Not Without Juan
There are not many husbands who would be willing to take in their mother-in-law, especially one with dementia. All the family baggage comes with that choice and I find it remarkable that Juan was game at all.
I would not have been able to take care of Mom without him. I know this because I took care of her by myself for five months while Juan continued living and working at our caretaking job on a nearby lake. At that point Mom could walk and take care of her personal needs so we could still leave her alone for several hours at a stretch. But she was quite depressed and expressed her feelings in unexpected ways. Mom told me she thought I didn’t really give a damn about her, she was dissatisfied with her new living situation and wanted to leave, she didn’t want me out of her sight, and she couldn’t handle watching me have interests of my own – it made her feel bad.
My reaction to Mom’s attitude was not good and I made more than several late-night panic-stricken phone calls to Juan. He skillfully talked me down each time, sometimes resorting to scolding. You can’t let a person with dementia take you down, he admonished. If you go down your Mom will have no one to rely on. It is only going to get worse, so if you really want to take care of her you’d better figure out a way to deal with her irrational behavior. His approach seemed harsh but he was right. I needed a kick in the butt and my furry man gave me one.
Mom’s condition did get worse and solo caregiving became impossible, so Juan gave notice at our lake job. When Mom heard the news she became extremely anxious. “He’s bigger than life!” she exclaimed. “He fills the room!” She had had me all to herself and feared my focus would be directed towards Juan. She also worried his big energy would override hers, rendering her insignificant.
I would not have been able to take care of Mom without him. I know this because I took care of her by myself for five months while Juan continued living and working at our caretaking job on a nearby lake. At that point Mom could walk and take care of her personal needs so we could still leave her alone for several hours at a stretch. But she was quite depressed and expressed her feelings in unexpected ways. Mom told me she thought I didn’t really give a damn about her, she was dissatisfied with her new living situation and wanted to leave, she didn’t want me out of her sight, and she couldn’t handle watching me have interests of my own – it made her feel bad.
My reaction to Mom’s attitude was not good and I made more than several late-night panic-stricken phone calls to Juan. He skillfully talked me down each time, sometimes resorting to scolding. You can’t let a person with dementia take you down, he admonished. If you go down your Mom will have no one to rely on. It is only going to get worse, so if you really want to take care of her you’d better figure out a way to deal with her irrational behavior. His approach seemed harsh but he was right. I needed a kick in the butt and my furry man gave me one.
Mom’s condition did get worse and solo caregiving became impossible, so Juan gave notice at our lake job. When Mom heard the news she became extremely anxious. “He’s bigger than life!” she exclaimed. “He fills the room!” She had had me all to herself and feared my focus would be directed towards Juan. She also worried his big energy would override hers, rendering her insignificant.
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But I am certain Juan’s bigger-than-life nature is what makes our endeavor with Mom possible. He has a good track record. Juan cared for his mother and stepfather as his stepfather died from cancer. And he spent twenty years taking severely emotionally disturbed kids on fishing trips in the Klamath Mountains of Northern California. The kids knew Juan meant what he said so none of them messed with him. Clearly Juan was the alpha dog, but woven into his alpha rank was a whole lot of love and compassion. |
Juan cares for my mom with that same honest, unflinching nature. With his big spirit and his instinct for humor Juan pulls Mom out of her worries and into our conversations, a kindness that brings her to light, ensuring her visibility. I have never seen my mother laugh so much or poke fun so freely, while resting in the knowledge she is loved and safe.
Before Mom moved in with us Juan and I always talked a lot about everything and now we talk even more. Nothing is sacred in our daily debriefing sessions. We offload completely. I think Juan would agree that our relationship has grown deeper because of Mom being in our lives. That speaks to who Juan is more than who I am, because it is my mother who has moved in on Juan's life and he who has adjusted with grace and generosity.
Of course we go off on each other too! The traits that make Juan so wonderful can, when out of balance, make him directive and overbearing. Combine that with my constant niggling when I'm out of whack and we create quite an uproar. Caring for Mom has tipped us both off our balance points more frequently, but once again while I stew in a corner, Juan's generosity comes to the fore. He is almost always the first to apologize and the one to suggest we talk. He's not too proud to own his stuff, which helps me be less prideful as well. I have never been in a relationship where anger and frustration have such a safe berth and their expression does not compromise the commitment we made. There is great freedom in that.
I am so grateful for all the mundane tasks Juan has taken on now that I am housebound with Mom, but what I appreciate most about Juan is the laughter he brings to our family, the sense of security he envelopes us with, his willingness to take on the tough stuff of life, and the hard liquor he has taught me to sip just a wee nip of to take the edge off!! I’m not kidding! I am far too serious to think of doing that and loosening up has helped a lot!
So every morning as Juan welcomes Mom with a “Good morning beautiful!” and Mom chuckles and responds “Good morning handsome!” I know my caretaking buddy is with me in full force and we’ll get through the day no matter what.
http://bigguys.zenfolio.com/p786714363
I am so grateful for all the mundane tasks Juan has taken on now that I am housebound with Mom, but what I appreciate most about Juan is the laughter he brings to our family, the sense of security he envelopes us with, his willingness to take on the tough stuff of life, and the hard liquor he has taught me to sip just a wee nip of to take the edge off!! I’m not kidding! I am far too serious to think of doing that and loosening up has helped a lot!
So every morning as Juan welcomes Mom with a “Good morning beautiful!” and Mom chuckles and responds “Good morning handsome!” I know my caretaking buddy is with me in full force and we’ll get through the day no matter what.
http://bigguys.zenfolio.com/p786714363
